News Busters

Kimmel Staffers Fall In Love With UHC CEO’s Alleged Murderer

ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel reported on his Tuesday show that several members of his staff have become infatuated with UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson’s alleged murderer. During his monologue, Kimmel read several text exchanges between the staff and their friends and family, including ones who promised to bake him cookies and those who desperately wanted to get on the jury.

Kimmel declared that, “So many women and so many men are going nuts over how good-looking this killer is, and there’s a huge wave of horny washing over us right now. It’s like we’re one of the guys you work with says, ‘I had a dream about you last night.’ When it’s the FedEx guy with the big muscles and rolled-up sleeves, you’re like, ‘Oh,’ but if it’s the bald IT guy wearing Crocs with black socks, you’re on the phone with HR, it’s kind of that same dynamic.”