The following is the opening satirical monologue from “The Andrew Klavan Show.“
The mid-term elections are almost upon us, and political experts are beginning to carefully study the polls that have never been right before and then discuss them as if they were somehow going to be right this time for some reason. These intense and serious discussions about what are essentially a random stream of meaningless numbers will help wile away the hours until Stacy Abrams is elected queen of her imagination while the rest of us accuse each other of cheating. This will be followed by the majestic spectacle of the peaceful transfer of power or a civil war, whichever makes for better TV.
So — let’s take a closer look at those polls.
As of now, the Real Clear Politics poll-average shows Republicans with a 73 percent chance of winning a majority in the House on Election Day up until about 2AM when officials mysteriously stop counting votes, after which their chances go down to 46 percent. 57 percent of registered voters say the most important issue in this election is whether or not they’ll be too depressed to get out of bed and vote, while 32 percent say the most important issue is whether voting will be more interesting than watching TikTok videos one after another, and the remaining 11 percent say they are unsure whether they’ll be depressed or watching TikTok videos or both.
58 percent of registered voters say they are unhappy with what’s currently going on in the country. 31 percent say they are very happy with what’s going on in the country and are also very happy watching the movie Dahmer and slowing it down during the torture scenes. Three percent say they’re not sure whether they’re happy or unhappy but you can ask again once the Xanax wears off.
Some of the differences in poll results are caused by the pollster’s varying methods. To give an example: Nate Silver’s 538 website uses a unique system in which a computer simulates the election 40-thousand times, then selects 100 outcomes until they produce the results Nate Silver wants. So, for instance, the computer might run a scenario in which there’s a high turnout of a scientifically selected cross-section of voters and then Lady Laena Velaryon from the Game of Thrones prequel flies her dragon over the crowd and sprays fire on all the Republicans whereupon Nate Silver dances around his apartment in his underwear screaming, “Yay, all the Republicans burned up,” until his neighbor bangs on the wall and tells him to keep it down. This results in lopsided victories for Democrat candidates across all the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros as well as a stern warning from Silver’s landlord after which Silver will be interviewed on NBC News to fill time while they’re not reporting on the soaring crime rates in Democrat cities.
The Trafalgar Group uses a more hands-on method by actually visiting people’s homes and polling anyone who doesn’t shoot at them under the impression they’re an FBI Swat Team coming to arrest them for being Pro-LIfe. Their latest poll shows that 65 percent of young people are very optimistic and believe that Jamie Lee Curtis really will kill Michael Meyers for good this time, hopefully before Putin starts a nuclear war. 73 percent of Democrats who read the New York Times feel the most important issue is whether Donald Trump will climb to the top of the Empire State Building clutching a woman in one giant paw while swiping at World War I biplanes with the other, unless that was just a dream they had, in which case the most important issue is whether there’ll be any Bagels left at Zabars if they stop off for their yoga lesson first. As for Republicans, 88 percent believe you ought to get the hell off their property before they pepper your ass with buckshot, you federale fascists.
The conservative-leaning Rasmussen poll uses a system in which pollsters sit in a room smoking dope and throwing darts at a picture of Woodrow Wilson with a target drawn on it and then record the numbers, or some numbers, in a spreadsheet which they then delete before writing down completely different numbers they just made up and publishing those online. This has resulted in polls approximately 95 percent more accurate than all the other polls put together because they count a more realistic number of Republican voters.
After carefully sifting the data, most pollsters report that they’re making a pretty good living but are plagued by a sense of meaninglessness and a nagging fear that their mother was right and they should’ve done something more useful with their life like joining the circus or trying to become the ping pong champion of Romania. 92 percent of respondents agree the pollsters never could have become the ping pong champion of Romania but it still would have been more useful than what they’re doing now.
Andrew Klavan Is the host of The Andrew Klavan Show at The Daily Wire. A popular political satirist and Hollywood screenwriter, Klavan is also an award-winning novelist. Be sure to PRE-ORDER his new novel today: A Strange Habit of Mind, book two in the Cameron Winter Mystery series.
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
