My darling Priscilla-Isaac Jones-Fragnitz: I write with a heavy heart from the front lines of Barker Center, where we plan to make a stand to the last man — er, human being of no particular gender — in this war for Harvard’s independence and federal-funding firehose. The dastardly enemy has us besieged on all fronts now, ruthlessly cutting off our sustenance and leaving us to contend with only the endowment that outstrips the sovereign wealth of most countries. Those who demand we comply with conditions for subsidies have now cut them off, and now threaten to strip us of our tax-exemption defenses in an upcoming battle. We looked to allies overseas for relief, but the Department of Homeland Security has now blockaded our shores.
I fear that soon we will be forced to protect the Jews, and — Heaven and all angels forfend — hire and offer admission on…
